hope

trip once, and it's gone. 

sometimes you have hope, and doubts. on the same thing. and you wanna believe. but the doubts linger like dark shadows you cannot ignore.

reality tells me that my doubts have a reason to exist. that they're telling me something, showing me a sign, they allow space for my cynicism - for the lessons of experience must have a role somewhere.

but then again, there is hope -  that human thing that very much annoyingly likes to seep through the cracks, squeeze in to find its place in every situation i face. no matter how grave.

feeble hope, meagre, after all said and done. nonetheless it traps a part of us. draws a picture of that ideal fantasy we hope to be the actual possible reality, in our minds, creative. beautiful, and it's almost annoying how we could be suckers for that simple idea, that could drive us to absurdity. 

and despite reality and all its signs. we keep hoping.

even if it's a lost cause. 

doubts sit and wait patiently, to be acknowledged, some time after hiding in the dark, overshadowed by hope.  the thing about doubt is its power. and how it takes so little, and once you've confirmed the doubts, it could shake and stir up your life. it could change anything, and everything. and at that point, nothing else, no matter how valid, counts. because when doubt triumphs, it really does. everything else fades away. 

i'm a fighter. but for many things, i choose to sit back, idle, not trying. because i know it amounts to nothing.

and i'm willing to let go because when you've heard the same old story a hundred times, it doesn't make a difference if you heard it another time. same old story. 

and thats when things lose their value in life. 

when words become meaningless.

repetition - the mediator. and hope - an option

and everything else is surface. temporary. shallow. almost absurd. 

things i do not want to waste my life on. 

because reality, no matter how bitter, is the most beautiful truth that i have ever known to exist. 

and i'm addicted to it.